Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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