Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
