So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
