He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
