if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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