i love accidental penises.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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