Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
