Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just blew my weed a kiss
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
