Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
