1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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