you guys were way drunker than both of me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
