Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
