That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
