so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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