apparently the secret to your success is patron
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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