so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
