Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
