then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I will die if light touches me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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