Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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