yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Drunk is not a location!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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