Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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