What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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