Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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