I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
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