I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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