You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
