life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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