mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
