Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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