Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
