I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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