i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
