my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
