I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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