we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.