I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
