she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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