"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
