You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
