Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
