I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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