Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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