the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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