I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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