I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
