Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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