4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
