I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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