you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
