Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
