i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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