I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
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I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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