remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ttyl tear gas
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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