i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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