2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
